In Relationships, We Don’t Need To Know It All

Zanele Chisholm

Before I learned anything about love and romantic partnerships, my perception of a strong relationship revolved around the idea of being with someone who knew and understood everything about me. My picture-perfect romance included being swept off my feet and gracefully falling into the arms of a partner who instinctively knew all the ways to make me feel loved and appreciated.

But, the more I’ve grown as a romantic partner, the more I’ve come to understand the importance of a partner who is actively trying to learn more about me each day rather than behaving as if they’ve already learned all there is to know.

Let’s be real, few people jump into relationships and immediately open up about the secrets in their life. It takes time to grow a level of intimacy where one feels comfortable being open and vulnerable about themselves. And if vulnerability can’t happen overnight then having the expectation of an all-knowing, omniscient partner is both unproductive and limits the potential for your relationship to grow and flourish over time.

Sometimes I find myself becoming frustrated in my relationship when my partner is unable to understand and satisfy a need or desire of mine quickly. Especially when dealing with emotional stress, I question how they can truly love and care for me and yet not know how to be there for me when I need it most. Is my partner capable of loving me in a fulfilling way, that doesn’t always require my guidance? I think this is a valid and important question to ask when thinking about your relationship. No one wants to be stuck in love with someone who doesn’t know how to love them, the way they need it. That is why we praise and cherish traits of attentiveness, compassion, emotional intelligence, and a desire for growth in a partner. We need to be in relationships with partners who have the capacity and capability to love us wholly.

If I’ve never been open and honest about how I want and need to be loved, then my partner can’t magically give me what I want. It’s unfair to decide my partner does not have the capacity and capability to love me without being honest with them about what that looks like for me.

We’ve all experienced this with friendships as well as familial relationships. We don’t enter friendships demanding people to know how to give and support us without offering up our own vulnerability about what we require. And with family, though we’re often expected to love each other unconditionally, we do so based on our own interpretation of love. As we mature we learn how to express what works, what doesn’t, and what we need moving forward. And if we aren’t given the room to be honest about how we need to receive love, then we often become disconnected and estranged in our familial relationships.

Romantic love should not be any different. The key to true growth and understanding with love is communication. Learning how to communicate your needs is something that takes time and is an ongoing process.

No one should be expected to enter a relationship wholly developed in their own sense of self.  However, we should prioritize learning about our own needs and desires before simply expecting a partner to know them before we do. Having a loving and fulfilling bond with someone is not lessened by them needing our guidance when it comes to how to be a better partner. Instead, we should be striving for relationships where our partners aren’t afraid to ask how they can better love us as well as grow our relationship. 

So many of us are taught through fairy tales that when we meet the right person, everything just works. But, the reality is relationships are much more complex than a fairytale. We enter these partnerships with our own histories, experiences, and desires that shape the way we best give and receive love. So, it's okay if things don’t perfectly fall into place. There will always be new things to discover about our partners and vice versa. It is merely a matter of continuing to put in the work to learn.

We rarely ever have a fleshed out idea of who we are individually, why should we expect to know all the intricacies of those we love? Every loving relationship is a journey of constant growth and discovery. We all deserve the kind of love that makes room for growth.

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Zanele Chisholm is a 20-something, Ryerson University student living in Toronto, Canada. On her own journey towards love, she has collected thrilling brushes with romance that has propelled her into a deep interest in examining relationships as a young modern woman. With a passion for storytelling through writing, she writes from a unique perspective in hopes of creating meaningful and impactful dialogue around love and relationships in the modern age.