One Reason Why Cheating Becomes an Option in Relationships

I recently saw a video of an Instagram Influencer talking about his past infidelity after his followers called him out. I stopped the video around the 30 second mark because my heart started beating fast and my mind started racing. I began to think about all the close encounters I’ve had throughout my 12 years of  marriage where I could’ve cheated on my wife. While I’m not proud of it, I’ve definitely learned a great deal about myself during those experiences and would like to share one reason why I believe cheating becomes an option in relationships.

The first few years of my marriage were very difficult and it all centered around intimacy and sex. Prior to getting married I was celibate for six years with the expectation of marriage being an environment where I could “let loose”. Girl was I wrong, I felt like my foot was on the gas while my wife’s foot was on the break. We went to counselors to figure out what barriers were in her way of having sex and being affectionate. As you can imagine, after all the years of waiting, I was infuriated. At the time I couldn’t understand why this woman wasn’t into me. I mean she agreed to spend the rest of her life with me. I felt neglected and needed an escape and it sucks that I thought my only options were either divorce or cheating. All I really wanted was for my wife to change. After all, the counsellors agreed she needed to change too.

During this time my heart started to split. Most of me still wanted to remain in the marriage but I started to wonder what it would be like for a woman to pursue me, how good it would feel to be told how good looking I was or for her to speak my love language. I was missing in our relationship and felt I deserved them, and I did. However, there was something deeper happening that I wasn’t aware of at the time. I entered my marriage as a boy (22 years old) and needed to become a man. And a large part of my development was being able to choose to love my wife and remain committed even though my needs were not being met. In reality, that’s what a mature man (woman) does who's married.

I’ll be honest, next to being celibate for 6 years this was one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do. And even though things are much better between my wife and I today, I think it’s foolish to think I’ve conquered this aspect of my life.

I’ve seen and heard of many great men, good men, giving in to sexual temptation and it scares me that I could one day become one of those men. So I keep practicing and praying to be a great husband for my wife. I do my best to be transparent about how I feel so we can communicate in a healthy way. However, at the end of the day the buck stops with me. A person who has the ability to choose right or wrong and the type of relationship I want to exist in.

As you know, there are several reasons why people feel like cheating is an option. However, I’m only going to focus on one because I think it’s the most relevant in this “selfie” generation.

Cheating becomes an option when you put our ego before your commitment.

Ego Vs. Commitment

Before we go into this topic let me first describe what ego and commitment are in the dynamic of a romantic relationship. 

Ego
It’s all about you. The relationship typically comes first when it serves your needs, wants, and desires. 

Commitment
The quality of dedicating yourself to the relationship no matter what stage the relationship is in. 

Six years ago I joined a men’s and women’s organization that specializes in helping people become better at personal relationships. One of the codes in our organization is Commitment before Ego. Essentially, this means there will be times in life where your ego will speak much louder than your commitment due to your emotions. However, your commitment to the relationship should supersede how you feel. This is not to say that if you’re in an abusive relationship you should keep being abused. Commitment means you’re committed to growing yourself and pursuing the best in your relationship even if you have to go through rough patches to get there.

I’ve come to learn your ego can convince you to do and say things that feel good in the moment but have catastrophic consequences later on. Hence giving in to the urge to get your needs met outside the relationship. After all, don’t you deserve to be loved and appreciated? Yes, you do! However, most people aren’t aware that every relationship goes through stages and you will hit several rough patches along the way. Therefore they struggle to view their experience objectively and thus make poor decisions, of which I’m guilty.

When you surrender to your commitments it empowers you to make decisions that only serve the prosperity of your relationship. In other words it removes the option of you going to get your needs met elsewhere. The reality is you can’t serve both your ego and commitment at the same time. And life offers you so many opportunities to choose. Let’s test this idea, think about the last time you and your boo had an argument. Who won? If you believe there’s a winner and a loser in an argument your ego was engaged. In a team, either you both win or you both lose. Consequently I’m working on myself and my relationship to put as many barriers between me and my ego as possible.

What drives your relationship today, your commitment or your ego?

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*Remember if you and your boo aren’t having fun you’re not doing this relationship thing right! 😊

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